For the first time in twenty-five years I have a new hairstyle. For a quarter century I've been faithful to a basic short-bangs, parted-on-the-right, square-backed haircut. It was a simple look; a serious look; a look that said, "I’m clueless about fashion."

If they had named my hairstyle, it would have been called The Republican.

Some masculine hairstyles are named for the people who made them popular like The Caesar or The Donald. (One is a famous tyrant and the other was a Roman Emperor.) My new do with it’s short-back-and-sides and gelled bangs that stick out should be called The Richie Rich after the famous comic-book character.

When I got that first good look at myself in the mirror in the salon, all I could think was, "What have I done?" and "Will my wife like it?"......

It's June and I think we all know what that means ... endless summer reruns of cop shows we didn’t watch, comedies we didn’t watch, and (or course) the interminable political debates that we’re still not watching.

Fortunately, the annual glut of June weddings gives an amusing diversion from the relentless, wall-to-wall election coverage. Like all newlyweds these poor folks are probably getting that that most common of wedding gifts; unsolicited advice.

I, myself, was given at least two metric tons worth of advice that I didn’t ask for. The trouble with advice is that -- unlike an extra Salad Shooter or spare blender -- you can’t exchange it for something more useful. You just have to take it or toss it aside. (Hint: People who give you advice really want to see you use it. So, when you toss it aside, do so quietly and in a dark alley where they won’t be able to see you.)......

At this very moment a hidden crisis is raging out of control across the United States. It is a shortage of gigantic proportions; an epidemic that touches millions of lives. The problem? A complete, and devastating lack of clues.

In cities ranging from Albany to Barstow and all of the letters in-between, men, women, and children are getting up without a clue; going about their daily lives without a clue; and finally falling into bed at night without a clue. In short, they are all clueless.

Here at the CummingsCo Research Laboratories, we are committed to the fight against cluelessness. Teams of dedicated scientists and engineers have pledged their efforts to develop cutting-edge technology to stem the tide of cluelessness; technology which will improve the lives of Mr. and Mrs. America; technology which we will sell direct to you at reasonable prices......

Eight years ago my wife and I took leave of our senses and began to shovel great piles of money directly into the trash. Actually, we bought a boat, but saying that just makes us sound stupid.

Our reasons for joining the ranks of amateur sailors were simple and logical. My wife grew up in a family that sailed recreationally; a family that could turn a weather-eye to the clouds and chart the best course to avoid a coming storm; a family that felt utterly at home on the water. For my part, I thought sailing looked really cool.

The boat was our fifteenth anniversary gift to one another. In my wife’s family, it was tradition for the grateful husband to gift his long-suffering spouse with a one-carat diamond ring on the occasion of fifteen years of wedded bliss. My wife teasingly reminded me of this every three days starting just after our fourteenth wedding anniversary. Like most guys facing a costly obligation, I responded by changing the subject.

Until the day she said, 'I don’t want a diamond, I want a boat.'

Did I marry well or what?.....