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If that person doesn’t want you, why would you?

There are usually two roles to play in a breakup (that is if you’re not poly, in which case there might be more than one) – the person who’s breaking up and the person who’s dumped.

There is no doubt that ending a relationship is difficult because it comes with guilt, shame and fear. But let’s be honest, of the two options, the ones who initiate the breakup are the lucky ones who have had weeks to prepare for the big finale. They aren’t the ones dealing with the shock or shame of someone you may love telling you it’s over.

To be given the slipper is the worst thing. It may come at an unexpected time. Or maybe you expect it and get giddy every time your partner suggests going out for coffee or a walk somewhere unfamiliar. Whatever the reason or the way it happens, finding out that someone thinks you’re bad at being in a relationship is never a good feeling.

Whether it’s happened to you before or not, it never hurts to prepare for the moments when you’re handed the slippers. Getting your thoughts in order about how to behave is a good way to avoid ending up looking like a big sucker.

DON’T GET DRUNK

This is tip number one with a purpose. Alcohol and emotionally intense conversations do not go hand in hand. So if you think the guillotine is coming, don’t get drunk beforehand, and if you’re talking in a bar and the breakup discussion starts, don’t empty your glasses to better cope with the news. You’ll regret it the next morning when you wake up without a partner and with a long-lasting hangover.

DO NOT SCREAM

A simple rule that you’d hope most people would follow anyway, but don’t scream. Especially in public. And that doesn’t mean you have to hide your reaction—you might cry or say some hurtful words, and that’s okay, but unless you’re reading this in your grade school computer lab, you’re long past the age where it’s acceptable to you scream

Yelling at someone when they try to break up with you is a simple way to show the person who is leaving you that they have reason to be happy. And you’ll look like a jerk in the end.

DON’T BEG

From a vibe similar to what I said above. It’s about protecting yourself as much as it is about not putting the other person through a painful ordeal.

Begging your partner to give the relationship another chance or to stay together can be a bit pathetic. As much as it may seem easier to be on the other side, that person thought before making the decision and begging them to change their mind most likely won’t work in the moment or in the …

Ok, you’re in a relationship and you don’t want to be in it anymore, and you’re ready to tell your soon-to-be ex that it’s over. In an ideal situation, you don’t think the person is a jerk. But you may believe that. The point is that you’ve come to the conclusion that it can’t be done anymore.

Here’s how to proceed to break up as nicely as possible.

I went through two nasty breakups : one sad, but also kind of tender, and one downright disastrous. Unfortunately, both led to drama and a lot of depressing sex for me to feel desirable after.

Unfortunately, the truth is that there are always at least two people involved in a breakup and they are not equal. If you are the one who initiates the breakup, you clearly have more power in this relationship. A power you may or may not be aware of. So don’t be rude.

DO NOT INFORM THE WHOLE TOWN

If you’ve already told more than three people that you want to break up, it’s time to do it. Don’t announce to the whole town that you want to leave the relationship before you tell your partner. It sucks to be the last person to find out. You risk finding out from someone else and getting even uglier.

DOES NOT DO GHOSTING

If you’ve only dated someone a few times and there was no connection, yes, ghosting can happen and you can only hope that the person will get over it pretty easily. But if it’s been a month since you’ve been seeing each other, or if you’re in a long-term relationship, you obviously need to talk about it, whether you send her a sympathetic text or see each other face to face.

If you want to have a long-term relationship in the future, you need to get used to such confrontations. You’ll never handle long-term relationships if you can’t handle short ones and you can’t communicate to a person that you no longer want to be in a relationship with them.

YOUR PARTNER IS NOT A DYING DOG

Don’t try to make a nice gesture before the breakup just because you feel guilty. It’s not like you have a dying dog that you’re taking out for a last walk before euthanasia. A romantic dinner or a walk on the beach may sound good in theory, but in reality it could make the breakup even more painful.

PUBLIC PLACES ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR INTIMATE CONVERSATIONS

Breakups are an intimate thing that should be between you and your ex, not everyone eating avocado toast at a coffee shop on Saturday morning.

Obviously, it also happens that you break up in public, unplanned, following a conflict. But if it’s a planned breakup, choose a private place for it. It’s a humiliating situation for the person you’re breaking …

Yoan (40 years old) is gay. He was sexually abused as a teenager. While studying in Flanders, a friend of the family who was hosting him raped him several times, and this had a huge impact on his self-confidence. For a long time he lived in shame, guilt and fear. His insecurities influence his life even today, especially sexually and relationally

According to a 2021 survey supervised by Professor Ines Keygnaert of the ICRH University of Ghent, approximately 48 percent of Belgian men go through at least one violent sexual experience in their lifetime. The psychological consequences of rape have a long-term impact on victims. Sexual harassment is associated with anxiety , post-traumatic stress, low self-esteem, shame and depression .

Yoan spoke to Michel-Ange Vinti about the consequences of the abuse for him. He talked about how difficult it is for him to have a healthy relationship with a man or to be touched. How can she overcome her shame to have a fulfilling sex life?

I grew up in the countryside of Wallonia. At first, I had romantic relationships with girls, but when they wanted to have sex , I always felt withdrawn and found reasons to end the relationship. As a teenager, there was playful touching between me and my boy friends. And so. But then something happened that changed my life.

I went to study abroad for a year. I lived with a host family. During this time, I was abused by an adult, a family friend. And sometime during that time I realized that I was extremely ashamed, but at the same time I was turned on. A 15-year-old boy’s body reacts to any physical stimulus. I was forced to do something I didn’t want to do, but somewhere deep inside I felt a desire, so I didn’t understand what was going on. It took me many years to understand that I was a victim of abuse. An adult had taken advantage of my sexual blossoming and my innocence.

Shortly after that, my parents found out I was gay without me telling them. The host family had read my emails and sent them to my parents without telling me. I had to admit to them that something had happened between me and a man. The abuse had ended, but so had my parents’ trust in me. My host family thought I made up the abuse thing because I was afraid to admit I was gay.

After that, my parents kept an eye on me around the clock, I wasn’t allowed to go out. I went to college in Brussels, but I wasn’t allowed to stay there on weekends, so I wouldn’t go to gay clubs. So I always felt shame, guilt and anxiety about my identity. And this manifested itself in panic attacks and depressive episodes.

From the first days in Brussels, …