If that person doesn’t want you, why would you?
There are usually two roles to play in a breakup (that is if you’re not poly, in which case there might be more than one) – the person who’s breaking up and the person who’s dumped.
There is no doubt that ending a relationship is difficult because it comes with guilt, shame and fear. But let’s be honest, of the two options, the ones who initiate the breakup are the lucky ones who have had weeks to prepare for the big finale. They aren’t the ones dealing with the shock or shame of someone you may love telling you it’s over.
To be given the slipper is the worst thing. It may come at an unexpected time. Or maybe you expect it and get giddy every time your partner suggests going out for coffee or a walk somewhere unfamiliar. Whatever the reason or the way it happens, finding out that someone thinks you’re bad at being in a relationship is never a good feeling.
Whether it’s happened to you before or not, it never hurts to prepare for the moments when you’re handed the slippers. Getting your thoughts in order about how to behave is a good way to avoid ending up looking like a big sucker.
DON’T GET DRUNK
This is tip number one with a purpose. Alcohol and emotionally intense conversations do not go hand in hand. So if you think the guillotine is coming, don’t get drunk beforehand, and if you’re talking in a bar and the breakup discussion starts, don’t empty your glasses to better cope with the news. You’ll regret it the next morning when you wake up without a partner and with a long-lasting hangover.
DO NOT SCREAM
A simple rule that you’d hope most people would follow anyway, but don’t scream. Especially in public. And that doesn’t mean you have to hide your reaction—you might cry or say some hurtful words, and that’s okay, but unless you’re reading this in your grade school computer lab, you’re long past the age where it’s acceptable to you scream
Yelling at someone when they try to break up with you is a simple way to show the person who is leaving you that they have reason to be happy. And you’ll look like a jerk in the end.
DON’T BEG
From a vibe similar to what I said above. It’s about protecting yourself as much as it is about not putting the other person through a painful ordeal.
Begging your partner to give the relationship another chance or to stay together can be a bit pathetic. As much as it may seem easier to be on the other side, that person thought before making the decision and begging them to change their mind most likely won’t work in the moment or in the long run. You don’t need to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. Accept and move on.
DON’T TRY TO LOOK COOL
I may have mentioned that you don’t want to look pathetic, but pathetic is better than trying and failing to look cool. Nobody wins in a breakup, it’s an archaic idea reserved for 2000s romantic comedies.
When you go the extra mile to look like you don’t care or are being sly, with punches under your belt and a blank stare, you’re only giving yourself more chances to embarrass yourself or start an argument.
OWN YOUR FEELINGS
Even though I advised you not to scream, beg, or try to be cool, these are only a small part of what I want to convey. I’m not telling you not to show your feelings at all – in fact, now is the time to do it.
Tell your ex when you’re face to face so you don’t end up spending hours, days and weeks resentful because you didn’t tell him how you feel.
And remember that he/she started the conversation, so you can be honest with the person who made you feel hurt. It makes sense that you’re sad, confused, or frustrated, and it’s okay to tell him that. There’s nothing wrong with being angry either, it’s what you do with that anger that matters.
WAIT 48 HOURS
If there’s something you desperately want to say or do, like take your clothes back or cancel the tickets you bought when you thought he loved you – wait 48 hours. Whether things end well or not, this space will be good for both of us. Even better if you can wait a full week or two before talking again.
SENDING A HUGE MESSAGE WILL NOT HELP
In an ideal world, you would have already been able to discuss things in person, but it doesn’t always happen that way. It can be tempting after a breakup to compile every single thing that made you suffer in the relationship into one huge message to send to your ex. It may feel a lot easier to vent over a text, and it may even be cathartic at first, but be prepared to not get the response you expect. Apologies, acceptance of blame, or change of heart will not appear.
KEEP THINGS OFF THE INTERNET
When people are in pain, they tend to be more impulsive – and as a generation raised online, the internet is our primary medium for impulses. There’s something called the toxic online disinhibition effect, a proven phenomenon where people say things online they wouldn’t say in person.
But no matter how protected you feel from small screens, remember that the impact of the things you say is the same. So keep your thoughts and feelings off the internet for now.
It’s not transparent at all to post about the breakup to try and make it seem like you don’t care at all.
Worse, posting something emotional about how you got your heart broken is a tragedy waiting to happen. Screenshots will end up in chats you didn’t even know existed, and your ex’s aunt will comment on a post of yours telling you that “you should leave our boy alone!!! ”
IF YOU GET DUST YOU WILL NOT FEEL BETTER TOMORROW
Maybe it’s time to reiterate that dusting yourself off is not a good idea. We all love a good bottle of booze at the right time – but this isn’t one. You’ll say and do stupid shit, and spend weeks regretting calling your ex 32 times when you screwed up.
REVENGE IS A TERRIBLE IDEA
Sleeping with his friends, gossiping about him, posting secrets or intimate pictures – and that’s a huge NO. I’m a bad woman and I too was tempted to seduce my ex’s father to ruin his life forever, but the reality is that revenge is bitter and ugly. If you knowingly do something to hurt someone, go to therapy .
DON’T LOOK FOR WAYS TO STAY IN HIS LIFE
Looking for ways to spend time with or be seen by your ex is behavior that most likely comes from an amicable breakup – but if you’re hoping this will bring him back, I’m afraid it won’t happen. The decision has been made. Don’t make it harder for him and don’t embarrass yourself by buying a coffee from his place down the block every morning or working out at the same gym.
DON’T COME BACK
If the person doesn’t want you , why would you want them? Things can be very confusing after a breakup because sometimes you even end up mourning , but that doesn’t mean you should go back to him/her. It’s a mistake a lot of people make, myself included – thinking “it’s sad and hard” and confusing that with “I still want to be with that person”. But remember, she’s already made up her mind, so you have to believe her. Forget your ex and open up to people who really want to be with you.
LOOK FOR THE GOOD SIDE
After a breakup you may feel ashamed, embarrassed, unworthy or even unlovable – so remind yourself of the good things you have and tell your brain to shut the hell up if it starts with the unwanted thoughts . Don’t forget that there are people in your life who love you, who care about you, and that you have always been more than your relationship. Invest in yourself, other friendships and other parts of your life that will make you happy again.